Hey Syracuse! C my 1-person show @TheOnCenter this weekend! My motto: Time to get loose when I come to the ‘Cuse! Tix: http://bit.ly/1ekDoPR
Oh great, NYC is set to get a “pollen” vortex now. Will be the 1st time all year my allergies will be more severe than my haircut!
ALWAYS behind some dick who never used an ATM when I’m late! Dude was poking at the buttons like he was finger-banging his date at the prom!
Tickets are on sale now for my stand-up show @Pemberton_Fest in Vancouver on 7/19!
I hate this noisy freak next to me at the free weights! I fucked a guy in an iron lung who wheezed less than this dick!
When you’re at the gym, guys, quit grunting & groaning during your workout. Put down the pink 8-lb weights, Charlie, & go home already!
Tickets are on sale now for my stand-up show on 8/1 @TheUptownNapa in Napa, CA!
I’m no Queen Of Fitness but if you’re on the treadmill get off your phone! It’s a flip phone. You have NOTHING going on that can’t wait!
Cut myself like a son-of-a-bitch shaving this morning. Fuck it - next time I’m letting the mustache grow in!
Hey, @CarolLeifer — absolutely RIVETING interview on @HowardStern today! I couldn’t turn the radio off! #GreatIntervieweeGreatInterviewer