Hey Syracuse! C my 1-person show @TheOnCenter this weekend! My motto: Time to get loose when I come to the ‘Cuse! Tix: http://bit.ly/1ekDoPR

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Oh great, NYC is set to get a “pollen” vortex now. Will be the 1st time all year my allergies will be more severe than my haircut!

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ALWAYS behind some dick who never used an ATM when I’m late! Dude was poking at the buttons like he was finger-banging his date at the prom!

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Tickets are on sale now for my stand-up show @Pemberton_Fest in Vancouver on 7/19!

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I hate this noisy freak next to me at the free weights! I fucked a guy in an iron lung who wheezed less than this dick!

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When you’re at the gym, guys, quit grunting & groaning during your workout. Put down the pink 8-lb weights, Charlie, & go home already!

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Tickets are on sale now for my stand-up show on 8/1 @TheUptownNapa in Napa, CA!

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I’m no Queen Of Fitness but if you’re on the treadmill get off your phone! It’s a flip phone. You have NOTHING going on that can’t wait!

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Cut myself like a son-of-a-bitch shaving this morning. Fuck it - next time I’m letting the mustache grow in!

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Hey, @CarolLeifer — absolutely RIVETING interview on @HowardStern today! I couldn’t turn the radio off! #GreatIntervieweeGreatInterviewer

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